Robin's Revenge Army in Camelot?
by Voldy's Worst Nightmare
Summary: due to an unfortunate mishap involving Coca-cola, Voldy, that's me, Josie and the many random buttons on the RRA TARDIS, Robin's Revenge Army have ended up in Camelot. Might as well pay Merlin a visit... rated for RRA randomness in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Never Give the RRA Coca-Cola… except in extreme circumstances.

**Disclaimer: you know the drill; I don't own this so don't sue me**

**Summary: The RRA are back! But this time it's because of a little accident involving Josie, Voldy and a heck of a lot of cola. This started off as a random fan fiction, but then spiralled out of control when L.C gave me permission to let the RRA make things interesting in the Merlin world. She then said and I quote; "VOLDY! I DEMAND THAT THE RRA MUST HAVE DEMENTED FUN WITH MERLIN!!!!!!" This is what happens when the RRA are let loose in Camelot. Chaos, mayhem and, unsurprisingly, magic, ensue.**

…

"Merlin!"

The Prince's manservant practically fell into the room after walking into the door.

"You bellowed?" he asked sarcastically, clutching his head.

"Honestly, Merlin you could walk the clumsiest servant competition," Arthur rolled his eyes, "Where're my boots?"

"By the bed where I left them this morning." Merlin replied.

"No, by the bed where _I_ left them last night." Arthur corrected, "Why are they still covered in mud?"

"I cleaned them!" Merlin insisted, "I put them there this morning –"

The door burst open and Morgana strode in towing a new servant behind her.

"What is the meaning of this?" she demanded, "Why on earth did you send me a message saying that girls are useless?"

"What?" Arthur exclaimed, "I never –"

"You did!" the servant exclaimed, "You came up to me and told me to deliver this," she brandished the offending paper, "to the Lady Morgana,"

"You're lying!" Arthur growled.

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"Am not!"

SMASH!!!

The window shattered and a load of girls came swinging in on ropes.

"Voldy, I thought you said you were going to get us in?" one of them demanded, brushing the glass off her cat suit.

"Yeah, sis, what took you so long?"

"Voldy" shrugged.

"How the hell am I supposed to get you guys in when I've been dragged off my Morgana after delivering a message from Le Grande Prat over there?" She gestured to Arthur, who glared at her but, owing to the fact that the girls had swamped him, was unable to say anything.

"Who are you?" Merlin asked.

"I'm Voldy," Voldy replied, "This is L.C, Josie, Mysty (my sister), Lolly, Zara, Foxy, Soapy, Mira, Paula, Vicky, Cee, Deannie and TVNut. We are the RRA."

This didn't mean anything to the wizard and his friends.

"Umm… Voldy, they don't know what it means," Josie muttered, "We are the Robin's Revenge Army," Merlin, Arthur and Morgana still just stared at them blankly.

"Never mind," L.C shrugged, "We're here to punish, maim, torture and generally scare and annoy your enemies, because Voldy won't let us do it to you." She glared at Voldy.

"Basically, we're here for work experience," Voldy explained, "And I never said you couldn't do it to Arthur, just not Merlin. The ban from Arthur-torturing was Mysty's idea"

They all glared at Mysty.

"What?" Mysty asked, "Do you want the wrath of thousands of fan-girls raining down on us all?"

"It'd be worth it!" Zara replied.

"You weren't there when Voldy unleashed the fan-girls on Faye, though." Mysty counteracted.

Every single member of the RRA shuddered except Voldy, who grinned evilly.

"I think I know what I want to do first…" she muttered before being smothered by the other members of the RRA.

"Don't even think about it," Paula growled, "Last time that happened you ended up bringing the Daleks into HQ by mistake!"

Underneath the pile, Voldy snickered and mumbled something.

"Sorry? I didn't catch that." Cee commented, "Everybody up before she suffocates." They all stood up so that Voldy could breath.

"What were you saying?" Mira asked.

Voldy coughed. "I was saying that it got the job done, at least."

"We said we were going to knock a wall through, we never said we wanted you to inflict the Daleks on it!" L.C shot back.

"You just said you wanted it done, you never specified how!" Voldy insisted; this caused a massive screaming match on the part of the girls and thoroughly terrified looks on the part of everyone else.

"SHUT UP!" Lolly screamed, causing everyone to fall silent, "Where's that evil witch person that you guys told us so much about?"

"Nimueh?" Voldy asked, "She got killed at the end of the series, didn't she?"

"Yeah," Mysty replied, casting dark looks at Merlin, "Pity, I wanted to do it."

"How did you get here?" Arthur demanded.

"I believe they swung through your now shattered window," Voldy replied, "But if you want to know how we got into Camelot, we got here by TARDIS."

"By what?" Merlin asked.

"Well, actually, we were trying to get to Nottingham, but _someone_ decided to push random buttons," Mysty glared at her sister.

"You shouldn't have given me Cola then."

"We didn't!" L.C replied, "You and Josie drank three bottles each!"

Josie, as if on cue, giggled hyperly.

"Right. This really isn't getting us anywhere," Paula sighed, "Let's start with food."

"Yeah, I'm starving!" Voldy agreed, "Where can we get some food around here?"

…

"You call this food?"

The RRA glanced in disgust at the food being prepared in the castle kitchen.

"Where's the proper food?" Josie asked.

"I think that this _is_ proper food to them," Voldy replied, picking up an apple and biting into it.

The girls all pulled faces.

"I'm bored" Mysty announced, "What can we do?"

"Ooh! Can we go stair-surfing?" Voldy asked

"No!" Mira snapped in reply, "You are under no circumstances introducing stair-surfing, skateboarding or any other thing accept walking. And that's final."

Voldy sulked.

"What's –"

The girls quickly silenced Merlin.

"You don't want to know," L.C replied, "As in really don't want to know."

"Hey! Guys! Have a look at this!" they all trouped over to where Josie was examining the floor.

"I believe they call them flagstones, Josie," Voldy commented, the whole three litre-bottles of Coca-cola wearing off rapidly, "What's so interesting about the floor?"

Josie pointed at the spiders that were scurrying along on the floor. The whole of the RRA (with the exceptions of Josie who was too hyper to notice what they were and Voldy who was only scared of Aragog because he was what she called "Mahoosive") shrieked and ran from the kitchen as fast as they could.

"What?" Merlin asked. Voldy and Josie looked at him.

"Y'know, Voldy, I don't think he's ever heard of an acromantula" Josie commented.

…

"For the last time, NO!"

"Aw… C'mon! Please?"

"NO!" the RRA shouted back at Josie, Voldy and now Paula, who had recently joined the ranks of the hyper after Josie and Voldy had force-fed – I mean, persuaded – Coca-cola down Paula's throat. What they were arguing about was stair-surfing.

Josie suddenly grabbed Paula and Voldy and started muttering to them in manic sugar-overdosed English; the three giggled like maniacs.

"I don't see why you're trying to stop them," Arthur commented to L.C, "I mean, if they break an arm then they'll learn their lesson, right?"

L.C snorted. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," she replied.

"Yeah, they've done this in Nottingham, at least five times," TVNut chipped in, "They still haven't worked out why they break bones, although they've only ever broken other peoples' bones so…"

"Hang on," Soapy suddenly stopped in mid-stride, "Where're –?"

"Paula, Josie and Voldy?" Foxy finished. Everyone turned round and saw that they weren't there. The RRA groaned in disbelief.

"Lookout below!"

Everybody ducked as the three girls swooped down on a big gold lizard thing, still giggling like the insane lunatics they were.

Moments later, Uther came running out, "Stop them!" he shouted, "They've released the dragon!"

Once again, a groan from the RRA.

"Voldy! Josie! Paula! Get down here _right now!_" Mysty and L.C screamed, ducking as the dragon swooped down again.

"Righto mon capitan!" Voldy replied jovially, steering the dragon down into the courtyard.

"How the hell'd you release it anyway?" Zara asked, "I'm so flying dragon-air from now on!"

The RRA all proceeded to argue about who got first dibs on the dragon-ride, until Lolly shouted "SHUT UP!" causing everyone to fall silent.

"There should be enough room for thirteen," Josie said, grinning wildly.

"Don't I get a say in this?" the dragon asked.

"NO!" the RRA replied as they all swung on for the joyride.

"Going up!" Voldy shouted, shoving a bottle of Cola into the Dragons mouth and giving it a sufficient energy boost to propel itself into the air before Uther could do anything about it.

Unfortunately for the RRA, the means by which Josie, Paula and Voldy had got the dragon out in the first place had been Cola and the Dragon, bless him, was a bit hyperactive.

SMASH!!!! One of the castle turrets had been broken.

"Whoops!" Paula giggled.

"You'll pay for that!" Uther yelled, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his son and his son's manservant were doubled over laughing.

"Are we bovvered?" L.C called over the side of the dragon as it crashed into yet another turret. Mysty pulled a large bottle of Fanta out of her bag and downed it in one before starting to shake violently.

"Umm… Voldy?" Mira asked, looking at Mysty with a weird expression on her face, "Your sister's shaking."

"Oh god," Voldy replied, "How much Fanta did she have?"

"The whole bottle."

"Dammit!" Voldy exclaimed as the Dragon successfully trashed two more Turrets and was headed for a fifth, "Everybody out! Going down!"

The dragon nose-dived back to the courtyard, but not before it completely and utterly ruined a fifth turret, showering rocks everywhere.

"Everybody run!" Voldy bellowed as the dragon made its way into the courtyard, "Mysty's gone hyper!"

No-one seemed to understand how bad this was, but they cleared out of the way so that the dragon could land and the girls could dismount.

As it turned out, Mysty's hyperness had a knock-on affect on L.C, Soapy, Cee and Mira, and they were all soon giggling like lunatics and disappearing together.

"What do we do now?" Foxy asked, staring after the five as they ran off giggling crazily.

"Leave them," Voldy replied, waving her hand, "They'll be back in a few hours when Mysty's giggly-ness wears off,"

"How long will that be?" TVNut asked.

Voldy shrugged, "I give them until the morning. It's getting dark." They all trouped off to their TARDIS for some sleep.

…

**Well, that's it for now! (dodges pitchforks) okay it sucked, but I kind of had to get it up ASAP before L.C started killing me (dodges Weasley twins) I DIDN'T MEAN IT L.C!!!!**

**Anyways. If you liked it, review. If you have constructive criticism, review. If you want to flame it – don't, you'll just be ignored.**

**Have a nice time reviewing! **_**Hint hint!**_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Newbies, makeovers and Untested potions

**Disclaimer: read chapter 1, it's there.**

**Sorry for the delay but I suffered from the bane of all things good and pure over the weekend.**

**Uther: Magic?**

**Voldy: (rolls eyes) no, faulty internet connection.**

**Oh my god I LOVE you guys!!!!! Thank you for the reviews!**

**Well, I'm going to try to update this frequently… more frequently than my others… so bear with me. This is for all the RRA. (Hugs) love you guys! (Grins) **

**Replies to my lovely reviewers:**

**Mapleleaf07 – trust me, you're gonna love this next bit…**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch – why thank you! You're about to see what a whole litre-bottle of Fanta does to you when twinned with Camelot.**

**Paula545 – thank you! I'm happy to have been instrumental in your laughter!**

**-bare-footed-muse- - sorry you didn't get half of it… don't die! I need reviews!!! Only kidding! Seriously, don't die though… just, don't.**

**MagicByMerlin – oh yes, there's more… I pity Merlin… and I pity Mordred later on (spoilers!)**

**REVIEW!!!!!**

…

The bunk-beds in the purple TARDIS were arranged around the walls, and, mainly because she refused to sleep on the bunk-bed allocated to her, Voldy had a hammock which was strung between 2 sets of bunks.

The only problem with this, Voldy reflected as she was unceremoniously dumped on the floor as the TARDIS started shaking, was that it swayed violently at the slightest movement. The others were still asleep, (with the exception of Mysty, L.C, Soapy, Mira and Cee, who still hadn't returned and were probably wreaking havoc in Camelot somewhere), so she went to investigate what it was that had rudely awoken her at stupid o'clock in the morning.

She happened to pass the clock on the way to the teleport room, which was the source of the disturbance, and groaned; it was one o'clock in the morning – she'd had a grand total of four hours sleep.

She entered the teleportation room in a decidedly bad temper and promptly walked into two girls who had just arrived.

"Ow!"

"Hey!"

"What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you two?"

"Voldy?"

Voldy did a double-take.

"Midge?" she blinked, "Maple? What took you so long?"

She switched on the light to see her friends in a heap on the floor. Maple brushed herself down and hauled Midge to her feet.

"We _would_ have gotten here earlier," Maple grumbled, "If you guys had told us you were coming to Camelot,"

Voldy grinned sheepishly, "we didn't know until Josie and I went hyper and started pushing buttons,"

"So it was your fault?" Midge asked.

"Yes,"

Voldy was bundled by the other two girls and let out a loud squawk of protest. Josie and Paula came storming in with heavy books ready to batter the 2 newbies.

"It's all right!" Voldy explained, "It's not Jack, I don't think he knows we nicked his teleport yet,"

"That's a relief," Paula grinned and hauled Midge and Maple off Voldy, who stood up and brushed herself down, "What took you girls so long?"

"My button-pushing," Voldy grinned, "They didn't know we were in Camelot until they locked onto the TARDIS signal when they were cruising through a wormhole."

Josie snorted, "Nice one, Voldy," she commented sarcastically, "you nearly lost two of our members down a wormhole,"

"It wasn't _my_ fault they went down a wormhole!" Voldy exclaimed indignantly, "they could've just _called_ to see where we were,"

Maple and Midge looked sheepish.

Paula just rolled her eyes, "never mind, it's half one in the morning. Let's try to get some more shut-eye before the Fanta crew turn up."

…

"WOOHOO!"

Merlin, and by extension Arthur's laundry, were sent flying as ten girls crashed into him and landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairwell.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded, "You nearly –"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

The girls all sprung up and turned in the direction of the scream.

"I think we've found the others," Voldy commented. They ran for the throne room, towing Merlin behind them.

…

What they saw in the throne room made them realise why Uther had screamed. The throne, walls and floor were covered in rainbow-coloured drawings, including a large magic wand, a rainbow-coloured mushroom and (Merlin guessed that this next picture was drawn by Mysty) a giant bottle of Fanta.

King Uther was curled up in a ball in a corner, wearing eyeliner, lipstick and various other girly facial appliances. The girls, in contrast, were sat in the middle of the room, still giggling.

Voldy coughed; the girls looked up at her.

"MERLIN!!!!!" they shrieked, abandoning their "Project" and grabbing him before hauling him away to suffer the same fate.

"Oh my god." Foxy and Paula stared at the previous victim in horror.

Prince Arthur was lying on the cold stone floor, in curlers, a pink frilly dress and very garish make-up.

"I thought Mysty hated pink?" Josie commented, "And I thought we weren't going to torture Arthur?"

"Technically," Lolly began, "They weren't torturing him."

"Although Arthur won't see it that way," TVNut added.

"And when those guys are hyper they don't care what colour anything is," Vicky added.

"Oh my God I want a picture of this!" Zara giggled, taking out a camera and snapping pictures of everything from the throne room to the victims of the makeovers.

Josie's eyes seemed to light up in a maniacal way.

"Ooh! I have an idea!" the ten girls gathered together as Josie began to explain her crazy plan and before long they were all giggling.

…

"RRA I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!"

The RRA, united at last after they managed to persuade Voldy's Fanta-overdosed sister to join them in Josie's evil plan, ran down the corridor out of Arthur's room, giggling like lunatics.

Arthur came out brandishing a lovely collection of garishly coloured frilly dresses in one hand and a towel in the other as he frantically tried to wash off the moustache that Mysty had drawn on him in pink sharpie.

A few minutes later, Morgana came charging down the corridor.

"ARTHUR!" she screamed, "What's this I hear about you hiring –"

The girls burst out laughing; they'd left a forged bill from a Hooker addressed to Arthur in Morgana's room.

Arthur turned and glared at them.

"You…" he grabbed a sword and charged at the RRA, who screamed and ran in the other direction, crashing into the recently-repaired window and flying through the air on some mysteriously floating ropes.

…

"Voldy, are you _sure_ this is going to work?" Maple asked cautiously, watching Voldy adding a variety of strange ingredients to a bubbling cauldron.

"Of _course_ it will, Maple!" Voldy exclaimed, "I'm hurt that you think so little of my potion-making skills"

Midge rolled her eyes, "Exactly what are you making, Voldy?" she asked, "bearing in mind that last time you tried to make a potion it triggered Jack's –"

She was suddenly bundled by the other girls, excluding Voldy.

"Don't _ever_ mention that again!" L.C hissed, "Seriously… just don't." They all got up so Midge could breathe.

"Something's missing…" Voldy mused while staring at the pale purple potion she was making, "Aha!" she exclaimed, running into another room and coming back with a red scarf.

"Isn't that Merlin's?" Cee asked a now evilly giggling Voldy.

"Yup!" she dropped it into the potion, which let off a cloud of vibrant red smoke before turning an eye-burningly bright orange, "He still doesn't know I had it, but it made the _perfect_ potion ingredient!" she was now spooning it into little round vials, which glowed as soon as they were full of the orange liquid.

"So, what exactly is this potion meant to do?" Mysty asked.

"Simple," Voldy replied, attaching strings to the tops of the corked spherical vials, "They explode when they are in contact with magic… or anything else actually. They're very unstable," she cackled evilly, gluing labels to the vials saying, 'WARNING: in case of magical monster, throw and RUN!'

"Unstable is a _good_ thing?" Mira asked, alarmed.

"Put it this way," Voldy explained, wrapping her weapons in bubble-wrap and putting them in boxes, "The glass breaks, the potion sticks to the idiot you threw it at and it burns… pinched the idea from the aliens we bumped into when we were _supposed_ to be going to torment Pyjama boy," everyone looked at L.C, who glared back.

"We got there eventually!" she defended herself, "I'd like to see _you_ lot driving a time machine!"

"Well, we would, but you've forgotten your stupid alarm system that sends axes flying at our heads!" Lolly rolled her eyes and went to help Voldy transport her merchandise, putting the box of orange bomblets next to the box of green vials with 'UNTESTED' written on the side in big letters.

"Oh yeah!" L.C giggled, "I forgot about that,"

"Mind you, it was funny when the doctor tried to take over when you went careering into the Dalek ship!" TVNut added. Everyone shuddered.

"Don't remind me," Paula muttered, reminiscing that moment and shuddering again.

"The _screams_," Zara looked horrified, "Please, L.C, just disable the alarm for once."

"Never!" L.C shrieked before laughing evilly.

Voldy rolled her eyes, "Never mind. Come on; I want to test the greens out before Uther realises we haven't left,"

The girls sneaked out the TARDIS, each girl holding a green vial, and waited for Voldy to tell them the rules.

"the rules are as follows," Voldy began, giving them all little video cameras which they attached to their clothes, "One: no using them on other RRA girls, because that's just stupid; Two: do not, and I repeat, do _not_ turn the video cameras off, because you need to have proof that you've done what you claim to have done; Three: dropping them on unsuspecting bystanders is boring, so you can only do it once; Four: the most imaginative ways of disposing of the potion win, so let the imagination wander; Five: DON'T, under _any_ circumstances, pour the potion into food or drink, because last time we did that in Nottingham the sheriff ended up constipated for a month; Six: touch Merlin and you die… seriously. 3…2…1… GO!" the girls split up into pairs (and one group of three, Voldy, Maple and Midge) and started looking for unsuspecting victims.

…

**-Voldy, Maple and Midge-**

…

"So… who first?" Voldy asked her comrades, "bearing in mind that we have to work harder to get any points,"

"Ooh!" Maple giggled evilly, "Why don't we do one on Arthur?" the three girls high-fived each other and ran off to find the blonde prince.

…

"Hey Arthur!"

Arthur turned to find two strange girls walking towards him.

"Do I know you?" He asked.

"Probably not," the shorter one with glasses replied, grinning wickedly at her friend,

"But that's good 'cause if you did we wouldn't be able to do this!" the taller one giggled as she threw a glass bottle at his feet. Is smashed and there was a puff of green smoke… Arthur, still male, suddenly wore a totally hideous pink frilly dress, his hair was now long, curly and had garish pink ribbons in it and he was wearing high heels.

There was a moments' pause while both parties registered what had just happened before the girls ran like bats out of hell, grabbing a third girl and laughing their heads off.

It didn't take long for Arthur to recognise the third girl as Voldy.

… **20 minutes later**…

Voldy cackled evilly as she dropped a bottle of the potion on Uther's throne… it was Maple's turn to hold the camera and Midge was helping her keep it steady (because they were all giggling at Voldy's evil scheme so the camera was shaking).

_POOF!_

The throne suddenly transformed into an over-squishy armchair and Uther was suddenly squished into the middle. Voldy pinched his crown.

"Cheers mate!" she giggled, running off through the window with the other 2 girls.

Nobody knew what the heck had just happened

… **A few moments later**…

The three girls, with their camera set on night vision, crept down to the Dragon's prison under the castle… Midge was holding the camera with Voldy because it was Maple's turn to use her potion.

Maple coughed, "Mr Dragon sir?" she called innocently, with the other two girls sniggering in the background. The dragon flew up and landed on his rock.

"What is it, child?" he asked; Maple bristled.

"I'm not a kid!" she huffed, "I'm 13 thank you very much!"

"C'mon, Maple, he's over a hundred years old," Voldy explained, "Have patience with the old man," the Dragon huffed at Voldy and didn't notice Maple pouring the potion over his head until it was too late.

"What are you –" he stopped mid-sentence as his eyes glazed over, "he is coming" he exclaimed in a weird, raspy double-voice, "he who is destined to destroy the great dragon is come, and the world shall fall,"

Midge and Maple gave each other blank looks.

"Who's 'he'?" Voldy asked. The dragon drew one large gasping breath.

"The druid boy who was saved by the dragon is come, and he shall destroy the one who saved his life," the ancient beast rasped, before he closed his eyes and fell asleep, back to being a normal, but slightly tired, dragon once more. The girls stared at each other in shock.

"Guys, time's up… we've got a problem… TARDIS. Now." Voldy shouted into the star-trek style communicating device on her jumper. She was answered by lots of protests until Lolly silenced them all with the cursory "SHUT UP!" and they all trouped off to the TARDIS.

...

**Well, that's it for now! Sorry about the wait… What will our crazy Heroines do about the prophesy-inducing potion? What will they do about the prophecy? You'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out! Have a nice time reviewing! Sorry the chapter was so bad!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Almost-executions, tuneless singing and melted Mozzarella

**Disclaimer: it's at the first chapter. Go on, read it if you don't believe me!**

**Thank you to all who reviewed!**

**Lady Clark-Weasley of Books: (does CPR) don't die on me! Glad you found the story at last! Ooh! TARDIS driving! (Is sneakily learning to disable the alarm system)**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch: We will, sister dearest, we will… soon…**

**Mapleleaf07: (pats head) I know you're a teenager, but this **_**is**_** a hundreds-of-years-old dragon we're talking about.**

**I know you'll all be waiting for us to beat the heck out of a certain druid brat, but we'll get there, there's just **_**one**_** thing we need to do first… well, several, actually, but there you go… bear with me!**

**R&R!!!!!**

…

"So what're we going to do?" L.C asked as they watched the video for the third time.

Voldy grinned, "I think I have an excuse to sacrifice more of Merlin's scarves to the almighty god of kaboom," the other members of the RRA raised their eyebrows.

"How do we know it wasn't the red scarf only that made the little bomblets?" Mira asked.

"We don't, but red is the most stable colour of the lot… just think of the explosions I could make with his _blue_ one!" Voldy cackled evilly as she fantasised about the endless possibilities.

The other RRA girls rolled their eyes.

"I suppose the only thing we can do is wait until he comes to us" Mysty sighed, shrugging.

"How about we find out where he is and kill him?" TVNut suggested, producing a teaspoon, "I've always wanted to carve out his heart with this,"

Lolly rolled her eyes, "Because we need to prepare for a certain battle that's going to commence if Mordred does turn up."

"Hang on," Foxy suddenly exclaimed, "Where's Voldy?"

They all looked around; Voldy had mysteriously disappeared into thin air.

…

Voldy snuck into Gaius' home (saying a brief hello to Gaius and telling him that Merlin wanted some of his neckerchiefs) and started looking around for Merlin's scarves; green, blue, purple, brown, orange – she picked them all up, grinning as she found another red one that she could use. She stuffed them all into her backpack and crept into Merlin's room.

It was an utter tip. Voldy wrinkled her nose in disgust at the dirty clothes all over the floor and clicked her fingers; the clean clothes folded themselves neatly on the bed, the dirty ones by the door and the bed made itself. Merlin's magic book flew into a cupboard. Voldy took out a post-it note and scribbled "books in cupboard, room tidied… was a tip. Voldy. Xx" on it before sticking it onto Merlin's bedside table.

The door suddenly burst open and Voldy was seized by a guard. She shrieked loudly (shattering windows of churches several miles away) and promptly kicked him between the legs, immobilising him. She made a break for the door but was bundled by seven other guards.

"Voldy," Arthur stuck his face directly in front of hers, "You have been charged with treason, theft, terrorism and magic, by King Uther Pendragon. The penalty is death. You will be executed at sunrise tomorrow morning." Voldy glared at Arthur, who merely asked, "Any last requests?"

Voldy smirked.

"Can I have an alarm call please?"

…

"Voldy this is Lady Clark are you receiving me over?"

Nothing responded, not even a peep of sound came from Voldy's communicator.

"Voldy's Worst nightmare if you value your life you _will_ respond over!" Mysty yelled down the transmitter. There was a moment's pause.

"Sorry, the idiots took my jumper. It's _freezing_ down here!" Voldy's voice replied, sounding more than a little annoyed.

"What idiots? Down where?" Maple asked.

"In the castle dungeons, Uther's stupid guards – OW! Hey!" Voldy appeared to have been hit on the head for insulting the guards, but she cackled evilly down her communicator, "They're scared witless of me, but I have to stay here for my execution tomorrow –"

"WHAT?" the girls screamed.

"Yeah, I've been charged with terrorism and theft… they still don't know where Uther's crown is," Voldy giggled.

"You didn't potion it did you?" Cee asked.

"Of course not!" Voldy replied indignantly, "I just borrowed it and used some of the hairs caught in it, that's all!"

"Voldy, what would you want Uther's hair for?" Mira asked.

Voldy cackled again, "You'll see…" she ended the transmission by turning off her communicator.

L.C sighed, "Well; to work. We've got to spring Voldy out of prison before the execution tomorrow."

"How," Mira asked, "when she's guarded by hundreds of guards all the time?"

The RRA all sat back to think of a way to distract the guards.

…

The next morning, the girls trouped off to the execution, to find that Voldy was sat on the floor and refusing to move.

"I'm not moving until you let me sing the French national anthem." She insisted, folding her arms and seeming to cement herself to the spot.

"Very well, but do it quickly" Uther sighed in frustration; the girl was supposed to have been hanged 2 hours ago.

Voldy grinned, stood up and noticed her RRA sisters "Sing with me!" she shouted. The girls rolled their eyes but agreed.

Voldy and the RRA proceeded to sing the most awful and tuneless song in existence. Everyone present held their ears and screamed, adding to the noise and causing everyone to fail in noticing the cloaked figure approaching the stage before Zara shrieked "OH MY GOD IT'S MR CHEESE!"

Everything went silent.

"What're you on about, Zara?" Voldy asked, jumping down from the execution platform and trotting over to the RRA.

"Ohmigosh how the heck is that possible?" Mysty asked, pointing at the cloaked figure.

Voldy stared in shock, "Is that Edwin?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think it is," L.C replied, checking with her mini-computer, "yeah, it is."

"Right" Cee said.

"GET HIM!!!" Mira shrieked; the RRA charged at Edwin with axes, chainsaws and various other rather nasty-looking weapons.

King Uther, Arthur and Merlin watched in horror and amazement as the girls ruthlessly beat the heck out of Edwin, while shouting things like "For Morgana!" "For Arthur!" "For Uther!" "For Merlin!"

Voldy suddenly shouted "WAIT!"

They all stopped and stared at her. She grinned and produced a jug of water and some straws.

"Chinese water torture and the evil straws of doom?" she suggested, grinning evilly.

The girls all shrieked in agreement and dragged the unfortunate Edwin off to be tortured.

Uther stared.

Arthur blinked.

Merlin swallowed.

"Merlin, what the heck was that?" Arthur asked.

Merlin shrugged, "No idea." He replied.

"I never thought I'd say this," Arthur murmured.

"Say what?" Merlin asked.

Arthur shuddered uncertainly.

"I actually feel sorry for Edwin."

…

**Well! That's it for now! Join us next time to find out more about the evil twins of doom! (Thunderclap) (Evil laugh)**

**Oh well, sorry the chapter's so short this time, but I wanted to save the next bit for next time! :P**

**Have a nice time reviewing!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Weddings and Scarves

**Disclaimer: you know where it is, go fish.**

**And it's a long wait again folks! Because I've been taken off the internet by the evil stepfather for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!!**

**OHMIGOSH!!!! I can't believe I forgot to include 2 REVIEWERS last chapter!!! How could I do such a terrible thing?**

**Magic by Merlin: (chuckles quietly) glad to hear there wasn't actually a murder :)**

**Paula 545: (bows) glad you like it!**

**Anyhow… new reviewers;**

**Paula 545: poor Edwin indeed… even poorer Edwin in this chapter!**

**Lynette McGregor: give me a few weeks to write the chapter woman!**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch: I wasn't aware of the Hornblower influence, but Blackadder was purely intentional! (Bows) thank you!**

**Magic by Merlin: Merlin will get it as well… but later… much later… I have a little plan for this chapter which may be rather amusing… :P**

**Mapleleaf07: We're visiting Gaius in this one, and the next one, and the next…**

**Punkrose1818: Edwin's the crazy physician guy who took over from Gaius in one of the episodes before Lancelot… can't remember which one, but his face looks like grated mozzarella on one side… you can find out more about him on the BBC Merlin website! I'm glad you like my fic!**

**Lady Nightwisp: thank you! (Bows) I'm sure Lady Clark will be very happy to hear that you enjoy her stories so much! And I'm also glad that you find this one amusing!**

…

_Drip, drop, drip, drop_

Edwin woke, muzzy headed, to the sound of the water that was dripping on his face. He was surrounded by the crazy girls who had attacked him; they were now giggling evilly and poking him with very sharp and pointy straws.

He snarled at them.

"My master will place Vengeance upon you." He growled, "And you shall regret torturing me,"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm Glenda the good," one of the girls replied, poking him in the side with her straw.

"Deannie, you're more evil than most of us," one of the other girls replied, poking Edwin with her straw.

"By the way," another informed the captive, "If you ever get out of this alive –"

"Which isn't going to happen," a fourth interrupted.

"Mysty, shut up and let me finish will you?" the third one snapped, "if you ever get out of this alive, Edwin, tell your master that Robin's Revenge Army are here to avenge… and we have some _very_ interesting ways of getting revenge… right girls?"

The girls all murmured their assent and cackled evilly. Edwin sighed; it was going to be a long day.

…

True enough, 3 hours later they'd only just begun using the thumbscrews on his… family jewels, shall we say… and they were also grating his face. He passed out rather quickly after that.

Voldy cackled evilly as she used a computerised machine to tighten the thumbscrews – everyone was staying out of the way of Voldy and her machine (they knew what happened when you tried to get her to stop using the thumbscrews… they'd seen it on Kamal Hadley).

Maple decided to push several random buttons until she came to a bright red one that said "DO NOT PRESS" in big letters. Being Maple, and being hyper, she pressed it and the thumbscrews tightened rapidly until-

"EEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!" everybody shrieked, including Voldy, who ran off and threw up in a bucket and only came back 20 minutes later. She dragged Maple out by her hair and the others, who weren't really listening because they were trying to clear up the mess, could hear a massive screaming match going on at the far end of the corridor.

A few moments later, Merlin came in, pale, shaken, and with his scarf missing.

The girls raised their eyebrows as he closed the door behind him, blotting out the sounds of the argument at the far end of the corridor.

"Scarf?" Mysty asked.

Merlin made a wild gesture to signify the girls at the end of the corridor.

"Voldy?" Midge asked. Merlin nodded.

"We should've known," L.C sighed, "Merlin, could you help us clean up this mess?"

Merlin looked at the carnage before him, "What happened?" he asked.

"Maple," Mira replied, "That's why Voldy's screaming at her; I think she wanted to do it."

"Do what?"

The girls shuddered.

"You don't want to know" Cee and Paula replied. Merlin shrugged and vanished the gooey mess that was once part of Edwin. Voldy and Maple came in seconds later, grinning like Maniacs. Voldy was cackling in her usual insane way.

"Guess what we've just found out!" Maple gloated as Voldy ran off to get something.

"What?" Zara asked, looking at Deannie and grinning.

"A certain druid nutcase is threatening Camelot," Voldy replied, heaving several crates of orange baubles behind her, "And his name begins with 'M'."

The girls instantaneously started grabbing the crates of Baubles and hauling them up the stairs, each one giggling at the thought of blowing up the druid boy.

"Y'know what I think?" Mysty suddenly commented when the crates of baubles lined the battlements.

"What?" L.C asked.

"I think there should be a wedding," Mysty replied, "There hasn't been a decent wedding since we married Archer to Voldy," they both looked over at Voldy who was now explaining the potions to Merlin in a very moody manner.

"No, no, no, no!" she screamed exasperatedly, "They don't blow up in the glass because it's magically reinforced! I _told_ you that several times! They explode when they get into contact with the air because they aren't surrounded by glass!"

Mysty grinned, "Those two argue like a married couple don't you think?"

L.C realised what Mysty was implying, "Voldy will kill you for this, you know that don't you?"

"Nah," Mysty shrugged, "remember she and Maple were discussing whether they should get various Merlin characters to marry RRA members last night, and Voldy said she had dibs on Merlin,"

L.C grinned; this was going to be fun…

…

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the enslavement of Merlin to Voldy. If anyone has a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Voldy and Merlin raised a hand each.

"Apart from the bride and groom."

The pair grumbled and put their hands down. Nobody else dared to put up their hands because the RRA were holding various different and highly nasty-looking weapons.

"Mysty I swear the next time I have a new potion I am going to test it on you," Voldy growled, "And as for _you_, Lady Clark-Weasley of Books, don't even get me _started_ on this hideous thing," she gestured to the frilly white dress she'd been put in and scowled.

L.C ignored this statement and breezed on, "Do you Merlin, take Voldy to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and cherish, to honour and obey, to do the chores for until the day that you die?"

Merlin gulped, considered the situation and nodded mutely.

"Coward," Voldy muttered.

"Um, Voldy? They have _chainsaws_," Merlin replied.

"Silence in court please – I mean church, of course," L.C grinned, "And do you, Voldy, take Merlin to be your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, to love and disobey, to completely ignore, to kick butt until the day that you die?"

"How much do I get paid if I agree?"

"VOLDY!"

"ALRIGHT FINE!" Voldy shrieked, "But you owe me!"

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife!" L.C declared, "You may kiss the bride,"

"NO YOU BLOOMIN WELL MAY NOT!" Voldy shrieked, finally breaking free of the ropes they'd tied her in and grabbing Mysty. 20 seconds later, she was back, dragging Mysty, who was now tied up and wearing the awful frilly dress. Voldy grabbed Arthur and shoved them on the alter before pushing L.C off and standing on the execution platform before the pair.

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…"

…

By the time they were all finished trying to kill each other, L.C had several cuts and bruises, including a black eye and Mysty had her arm in a sling after it had been pulled out of its socket by Voldy, who sustained nothing more than a nasty cut on her forehead. Everyone else was grinning like a maniac as Gaius tended L.C's wounds while she glared acidly at Voldy.

"So why were you fighting?" Gaius asked, moving on to Mysty and pulling her shoulder back into its socket.

"_Someone_ decided she and L.C were going to make me marry Merlin," Voldy replied, looking pointedly at her sister, "Of course, I got my own back afterward,"

"How?" Gaius asked.

Voldy cackled, "I made _her_ marry Arthur," she pointed to the prince who was scowling over at them next to Merlin. Gaius raised his eyebrows.

"I know what you mean," Maple giggled, "Who'd want to marry Arthur? I've been asking myself the same question."

"Right," Arthur stood up and glared at Maple, "If I had to marry someone against my will and so did Merlin, I think that _we_ should choose one of you to marry the first person to enter Camelot tomorrow morning."

"Sounds fair," Maple grinned, "Who will you choose, oh, your royal pratty-ness?"

"You," Arthur pointed at Maple. Maple stared at him. Everyone else stared at them both. The silence was only broken when Voldy cackled evilly and said something about securing the town gates. She, Maple, L.C, Mysty, Paula and Josie ran from the room with Merlin just before the other RRA girls attacked Arthur and gave him a particularly garish makeover.

…

Voldy grinned as she scanned each and every one of the potential entrants to Camelot, turning away everyone and saying, "wait here, we're looking for someone special and nobody's allowed in before he is. King's orders."

A young man in a suit of Armour approached the gates.

"'scuse me, but could you take the helmet off?" Voldy asked, "We kind of need to see your face,"

"If you insist," the knight replied, removing his helmet.

Voldy recognised Lancelot immediately. She pushed him through the gate and then said, "It's okay now! You can all go in!"

The RRA girls practically dragged Lancelot to see Arthur in the fighting ring.

He was defending himself against a crazy thirteen-year-old-girl that they recognised all too well.

"Maple!" Voldy called, "We've found one!"

Maple suddenly produced a pillow and whacked Arthur with it – he was covered in rotten eggs by the time she'd finished.

Mysty sighed and produced a wand, "_Scourgify!_" she exclaimed; Arthur was instantly clean and nice-smelling again. Voldy sniffed.

"Is that lemon?"

"Voldy, shut up,"

"But I _like_ lemon," Voldy explained, sniffing the air again, "It smells like lemon! _I want some lemonade!!!!_" The RRA each produced cans of Lemonade and downed them in one.

"Well, we can't stand here gossiping!" Cee grinned, clapping her hands, "we have a wedding to prepare!"

"Wedding?" Lancelot asked, "Whose?"

"Yours," Mira replied evenly, "and Maple's. Arthur's idea… blame him."

Lancelot stared helplessly at the prince as he was dragged away by several of the crazy girls.

…

"I want to do it!"

"No! Me!"

"Aww… Please?"

"NO!"

"But you always do it!"

"I have more experience"

"Right. Rock paper scissors, best out of 3," Voldy decided, "One two three!"

Voldy did a rock, L.C did scissors.

"One, two, three!"

This time, L.C won.

"You cheated!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"SHUT UP!" Lolly screamed; Voldy and L.C calmed down.

"I'll do it," Mira decided, "seeing as you guys can't stop arguing,"

The pair sulked at each other for a while before running off to help Maple get ready for the wedding.

…

"I'm so glad she isn't wearing the frilly thing you put me in," Voldy muttered as they watched Maple glide up the isle towards them as they held the struggling Lancelot in place.

"Frilly is traditional," L.C replied, "And besides; you made me wear it when I was marrying Fred and George,"

"L.C, I wasn't _here_ when you married Fred and George," Voldy sighed, rolling her eyes, "I joined much later,"

L.C shrugged, "Still, you looked hilarious."

Voldy grinned, "So do you,"

L.C scowled at Voldy, "Shut up." She replied shortly; Voldy had forced her to wear the frilly dress as revenge for the forced weddings. Everyone fell silent as Maple finished gliding up the isle and stopped in front of Mira next to them.

Mira cleared her throat.

"Dearly beloved!" she announced, "Ladies, Gentlemen and variations thereupon!" she winked at the other RRA girls who all looked pointedly at Arthur, who had been strapped to a chair and forced into girly clothes by Mysty, who was sat next to him giggling like a lunatic. Several people laughed.

"Anyway!" Mira interrupted, "Now we have the humiliations out the way I can actually do the ceremony," she cleared her throat again, "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the enslavement of this…" she paused, "Knight or man or whatever, to this terrorist. If anyone has reasons that this couple should not be joined…" Lancelot started to raise his arm "…Apart from the groom…" Lancelot put his hand back down again, "… then speak now or forever hold your –"

"STOP!" a voice shouted from the back of the crowd. The RRA turned and glared at the soldier responsible but he didn't pause, "There is a Druid at the gates with an army of magical creatures!"

Voldy rolled her eyes, "Lolly, Cee, Soapy, Josie, Paula, with me." The group marched off to the battlements, there was a moments' pause and then a lot of screaming before the girls reappeared, Voldy cackling evilly, and took their seats.

"So sorry, do carry on." Cee grinned, high-fiving the others and sitting back down.

"Right, no objections?" Arthur hurriedly put his hand down as the RRA produced chainsaws, "No? Good. Then we can begin." L.C coughed slightly, "Do you Maple, take this… Knight or man or whatever the hell he is… to be your lawful wedded husband? To love and disobey, to ignore and dishonour? To kick butt until the day you die?"

"Yup!" Maple grinned smugly at the glaring Arthur behind her.

"And do you, Lancelot, take this terrorist –"

"Of COURSE he does!" Josie grinned, "Just finish the ceremony so we can unfreeze Mordred and kill him!"

L.C glared at Josie, "Then I now pronounce you Knight… man… thing… and wife. You may kiss the bride if you really want, but I think she wants to join the torture Mordred session."

You couldn't see the RRA for dust.

…

"Surrender Camelot or be obliterated!" Mordred roared up at the giggling girls who were stood on the battlements.

"YOU surrender or YOU'LL be obliterated!" Mira shrieked in reply, holding a glowing orange potion-bomb threateningly. Voldy sniggered from her position on the battlements as she juggled a variety of multi-coloured potions to entertain the children.

"My armies far outnumber yours!" Mordred called back angrily, "Surrender or die!"

"Might I interject?" Voldy asked, stopping her juggling and turning towards the hated druid, "3 things you need to know; One; We're the RRA, three of us is enough to make Hitler wet the bed; Two; we are the ones who got through an army 20 times the size of yours and forced their leader to suffer a horrific death; Three; there's a lot of fan-girls who would very much like to meet you –"

"Voldy," Mira warned, "No fan-girls"

"Only in extreme circumstances, Mira" Voldy replied, jangling the keys which hung from a belt at her hips and grinning wildly.

"Under no circumstances at all, Voldy," L.C ordered sternly, "remember what happened last time?"

"What? When they destroyed Isabella, Vaisey and other people we hate?" Voldy asked innocently.

"No, the time they nearly killed us because we were married to people they wanted," Maple reminded, "The time when you had to pretend that Caspian was through the portal to the puritan world of no return to get them all to go in,"

"Oh yeah," Voldy grinned, "That was fun, Poor Caspian though."

"Poor us," Cee muttered, "I still haven't forgiven you for what they did to Gisbourne,"

Voldy merely cackled and turned her attention to Mordred, who was now looking rather irritated."

"ATTACK!" Mordred shrieked to his forces. They started to move towards the castle.

"WAIT!" Voldy suddenly shrieked, "There's only ONE way to solve this!"

"Ten quid," Mysty muttered to L.C.

"Done," L.C replied.

"GO FISH!" Voldy shrieked, giggling evilly.

Mysty smirked, "pay up." She whispered, holding out her hand. L.C grumbled and handed her a ten pound note.

…

"Jack."

"Go fish."

Mordred glared at Voldy and picked up a card; Voldy already had five fours, whilst Mordred only had one.

"Five."

"DAMMIT!" Mordred threw the two fives at her. She made a grab for them as they skidded off the table and were picked up by various other RRA girls.

"Thank you," she put down the set, "Queens"

Mordred gave her his queen. She grinned evilly.

"Sevens."

"I hate you," Mordred glared, handing over his three sevens and watching as she put down her seventh set.

"Nines"

"Go fish."

Voldy shrugged and picked up a card. She suddenly started laughing and put down the Queens.

"Twos."

"Go. Fish." Voldy replied slowly, smirking.

He picked up another card.

"Nines" Voldy enquired; Mordred gave her his last nine and she put down her last cards.

"I think we know who won," Arthur concluded as he looked at the cards on the table.

Mordred suddenly upturned the table in a fit of rage.

"You cheated!" he roared, pointing an accusing finger at Voldy, "You cheated so you could win!"

"It was either that or strip poker," Midge replied, "And trust me, she's even beaten Jack at that one." The RRA shuddered collectively.

"Note to self; burn the Boeist bible at the first opportunity," Voldy muttered, getting up, "either that or ban Jack from ever reading it again; he might have copies."

"_Will_ have copies," L.C corrected, "This is Jack we're talking about."

"True" Voldy nodded, "But I think the world would be a lot safer if we just banned Jack from playing strip poker."

The other girls nodded in agreement.

"You still cheated," Mordred muttered sourly; the girls rolled their eyes in exasperation.

"Sore looser," Voldy replied evenly, "you can't touch this,"

That last statement initiated a random dance from the girls, with the exception of Lolly, who was playing the music from Voldy's phone. They were all singing the song at the tops of their voices.

"Duh, duh, duh, duh… duh, duh… duh, duh Can' touch this!" they sang, performing their little victory dance and taunting the druid before Mira and Maple suddenly picked him up and hurled him out the window. The gang listened to his rapidly diminishing shrieks with looks of glee on their faces before they heard the crash that told them he had landed on a small derelict building. There was a long pause, broken by a quiet maniacal giggle from Voldy, who proceeded to high-five Maple and Mira.

"We should've thrown him from a trebuchet," Maple muttered to herself, her eyes glazing over as she imagined how far he would fly.

"We still have Edwin…" Midge muttered, "Not that I'm suggesting anything," she added hastily, but it was too late; Mysty and L.C were now giggling insanely at the idea.

…

"Ready?"

Voldy held the Axe high over the rope, "Yup!" she replied.

"Good, then we can begin," L.C cleared her throat; "Edwin, you have been charged with sedition and treason and would be sentenced to death by beheading, but Voldy managed to get Uther drunk and make him pass his powers to us for the duration of our stay. Therefore, you have been sentenced to death by being flung from a massive catapult whilst having several of Voldy's most explosive potions. You will die from spontaneous combustion. Adios!" she signalled to Voldy, who swung the axe, missed, swung again and cut the rope, sending Edwin flying. Everybody watched as he fell from the sky and blasted into smithereens. Voldy cackled evilly.

"Voldy," Mysty began.

"Yeah? What?" Voldy asked.

"What happens if they find out the ingredients for the potions?"

"Well, they can try, but they're missing one crucial ingredient."

"What?" Maple asked, evidently confused.

Voldy grinned; "Merlin's scarf."

…

**Well! That's it! (Happy dance) I hope you enjoyed the insane dancing and weddings! Have fun reviewing! (Hint, hint!)**

**Flames will be used to make popcorn. Thank you.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Time Travel, Bothering and Wedgies

**Disclaimer: see first chapter – I'm busy writing.**

**Holidays were fun. But I couldn't update for 3 WEEKS!!!!! GODDAMMIT!!! Sorry, but this fic is really starting to get somewhere… or rather, it's getting closer to the climax**

**Thank you very much for your reviews everyone! I'm glad you enjoy the fic!**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch: Thank you sister dearest! I will save any gruesome stuff for Mordred who, incidentally, is who this chapter starts with! **

**DeanParker: (rescues Merlin) I MARRIED HIM ON THE FORUM!!!!! YOU CANNOT STEAL MY MERLIN!!!! (Unleashes squirrels on Much)**

**Lynnette McGregor: yes, I believe you have mentioned it a few times…**

**Magic By Merlin: I can't promise that… but he has plenty of them so… seriously, I swear he has one for every day of the week!**

…

Edwin landed in a heap amongst the exploded potions and groaned.

Mordred looked up from his ponderings on his evil throne of doom and glanced at the wicked physician.

"Well?"

"I only managed to salvage one, my lord," Edwin produced a vibrant pink potion which seemed to swirl in the light, "The potion-making girl never noticed me stealing it."

Mordred smirked, "Excellent"

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

The RRA were woken by a loud shriek from Voldy as she stared at her potions cupboard in dismay.

"My sex-changing potion is gone!" she wailed, "I was going to use it on Arthur today!"

Two more girls came running out of the teleport room.

"What took you two so long?" L.C asked them while Maple attempted to console the distraught Voldy.

Missy grinned and held up a small bottle of vibrant pink swirly liquid, "We thought Voldy might want some of her potions,"

"Never knew how many she'd done though," Annie added, indicating the huge trolley behind her full of potion crates, "We only managed to bring a small amount."

"Girls, you're life-savers!" Voldy exclaimed when she saw the crates full of her potions. She snatched up one vial of the swirly pink liquid and cackled evilly before running out of the TARDIS to spike Arthur's drink with it.

…

"Three… two… one…"

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Voldy grinned at the girly shriek coming from the other side of the castle, "Bingo" she muttered, sneaking off back to the TARDIS.

…

"Merlin!"

Merlin stumbled in and stared at Arthur in disbelief.

"You're…" he stuttered before bursting out laughing. The crown Prince glared at his ridiculous manservant.

"Find out who did this," he growled, "and deal with them."

"Her," Merlin responded automatically.

"Her?" Arthur asked, "Morgana?"

"No," Merlin replied, "Voldy. She's the one who makes the potions for the RRA."

"Right. Bring her here and make her give me the antidote."

"Not possible."

"Why not?" Arthur asked desperately, "I can't be a girl for the rest of my life!"

"No, it's not that," Merlin replied cautiously, "It's just that they left earlier this morning… something about rescuing another guy for Voldy."

…

The villagers and rebels stared in horror as a large purple box materialised out of nowhere.

"What _is_ that?" Arthur asked in alarm.

"No idea," Merlin replied, marvelling at the complex magic that must have been used to get this box to move.

"Whatever it is," Arthur concluded, "It's magic. We'll get rid of it when we've dealt with Kanen."

Then, to their alarm and dismay, twenty crazy young girls in battle armour and carrying an assortment of nasty-looking weapons. One of them looked around her and spotted the leader of the rebel gang.

"ATTACK!" she shrieked, brandishing her weapon and launching at the unfortunate Kanen while the others started to attack the other rebels. Merlin surreptitiously conjured a wind to aid the girls as they attacked, sending the rebels fleeing for their lives. The wind dropped suddenly and the girls, spotlessly clean but now carrying gore-covered weapons, approached them, grinning insanely.

"What was that?" Arthur demanded of Merlin as the girls approached.

"What?" the young wizard asked innocently.

"Wind like that doesn't come out of nowhere." Arthur growled, "That was magic. I saw it."

"Arthur…" Merlin began, trying to think of something that could have caused the wind.

"Look out!" Will yelled, pushing Arthur out of the way as Kanen fired an Arrow at him.

"You look out!" one of the girls shrieked, pushing Will out of the way and getting struck in the arm by the arrow. She yanked it out and threw it on the ground, "Thank god for padded jumpers" she grinned, taking a small flask out of her pocket and drinking one drop of the red liquid within it, "and fireflower juice."

"Who performed the magic?" Arthur demanded.

"Ah," the girl began, "I can explain that," she cleared her throat, "atmospheric disturbance caused by the arrival of our TARDIS… we came from a different time with the expressed intentions of kicking the heck out of Kanen and saving Will, but our TARDIS – it's a time machine – interrupted air molecules, which formed the wind."

Arthur just looked blankly at her.

"Knew you wouldn't get it," she sighed, turning back to the purple box, "You won't remember us arriving; you'll remember a purple box at best,"

"We will meat again," another of the girls added, trouping into the box.

"Is that a threat?" Arthur asked.

"Nope," another girl replied, "It's a promise."

The girls all filed into the box and, with a mechanical grinding noise, it vanished.

Everyone stared in silence.

"What did they want to save me for?" Will asked.

…

Merlin paced around in the castle basement until he heard a mechanical grinding noise that should announce the return of the RRA.

True enough, the infamous purple box appeared and the girls came tumbling out, laughing at something they'd done.

"Hello dear!" Voldy called cheerily, waving at Merlin and handing him a vial of pink swirly liquid, "antidote for Arthur's predicament, or else Mysty'll kill me" she winked and walked off with the other girls, still giggling.

Merlin wasted no time in administering the potion to Arthur – he was returned to normal in an instant.

"Never again will I mock Morgana for being a girl," he shuddered, "That was awful."

Merlin didn't question the matter.

…

Will walked into Camelot with mixed feelings; he was excited to see his friend, Merlin, but he was also worried about meeting Arthur again after saving his life. What would he say? What would he do?

Taking a deep breath, he entered the upper town.

…

Nobody expected the strange shift in behaviour.

The RRA had recently started hoisting people up by their britches and hanging them on flagpoles in the name of something called a "wedgie brigade".

"For the good of mankind!" Voldy cackled as she hoisted one of Uther's knights onto a flagpole, "We hoist this flag in memory of the brave soldiers who gave their lives to defeat the cyber men and Daleks!" the entire RRA saluted to the sky and said something that sounded like "long live the Doctor" before running off, presumably to find their next victim.

…

"Please?"

"No!"

"But –"

"For the last time, Voldy, we are _not_ going to Ealdor to collect Will!"

Voldy pouted and wondered off.

"Where the hell's she going?" Mysty asked.

L.C shrugged, "No idea," she replied, "but if we hear any screaming we'll know where she is."

…

Voldy wondered around the town buying various potion ingredients that she needed when someone coughed behind her. She recognised the voice of a certain druid boy.

"SWINE FLU!!!!!" she suddenly shrieked, grinning inwardly at the panicked faces of the stupid villagers, "FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!" she turned as everyone trampled the unfortunate Mordred, who was, rather strangely, wearing a dress. She suddenly growled at him and hoisted him up by his dress collar.

"You," she snarled as the other RRA girls came running into view.

"Me, what?" Mordred asked, not knowing that Voldy growling was a _very_ bad sign. The other RRA girls backed away as Voldy changed into an ethereally surreal woman with a squirrel's tail and ears wearing a Greek-style dress.

"You stole my sex-change potion."

…

**That's it! Sorry about the wait but I've been in France! (Grins)**

**Find out what happens next in the next chapter; Merlin, Goddesses and A Little Bit of Crime!**

**Have a nice time reviewing! (**_**hint, hint!**_**)**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Merlin, Goddesses and A Little Bit Of Crime

**Disclaimer: The squirrels are mine. HA! Not really, see the first chapter for explanation! MERLIN IS MINE!!!!! AND I AIN'T SHARING!!!!! Seriously, ask the RRA!**

**I don't have the France excuse this time, so sorry if it was a long wait but I've been doing art homework! :P**

**I'm good at thinking up excuses. Hooray for summer holidays! (Dances) a whole month to write fan fiction in! Hooray! And yes, the bit about Much was taken directly from my sister's squirrel vengeance fic… without permission (grins).**

**Replies to my lovely reviewers:**

**Mapleleaf07: glad you liked it! (Thinks of what Maple could be goddess of)**

**Lady Clark-Weasley of Books: NOOOO!!!!! (Sends L.C to hospital) don't die! I need more reviews! Kidding! :P don't die though.**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch: yes I know he is! (Giggles insanely) glad you liked it!**

**Lynette McGregor: I'M DOING IT NOW!!!! Glad you liked it!**

**Magic By Merlin: not unless he drinks one of Voldy's sex-change potions and gets into contact with Zeus… interesting idea though (starts plotting)**

**ammNIwriter: glad you liked it!**

…

"You sole my sex-change potion"

"What are you?" Mordred asked, a look of terrified awe on his face.

"Mordred, might I introduce the squirrel goddess, Voldy." Mysty explained, "Voldy, this is Mordred, who we've been fighting and torturing the minions of."

"I am aware of that, Mysty," Voldy snapped, "This is the moron who stole my sex-change potion."

"Mordred," Maple stated, grinning like a maniac, "You're officially screwed"

Voldy suddenly let out a torrent of angry cheeps and chitters before she threw Mordred onto the floor. Angry squirrels of all shapes, sizes and colours converged on him.

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" one of them shouted, holding up an acorn it found in the druid's pocket. The squirrels carted Mordred away to the forest as the RRA watched, wild grins on their faces. Voldy cheeped some more orders at her loyal subjects before the tail and ears vanished and she was back to wearing normal clothes again.

"Well that's that for now." Voldy grinned, dusting off her hands, "Where's Deannie?"

…

"AAAAAAAHH!!"

"Come back Merlin!" Deannie shouted, "Come back –"

"DEAN PARKER!!!!!"

"Dammit, busted" Deannie muttered before she turned to face Voldy, not failing to notice that she was wielding an axe and looking squirrelly, "Hi Voldy! What a nice surprise!"

"Were you trying to steal my Merlin?"

"Umm… no?"

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" Voldy shrieked, the Greek-style dress re-appearing, "YOU WERE TRYING TO STEAL MY MERLIN!"

Deannie, knowing that she was in big trouble, cowered behind Merlin, who was just as confused as the other RRA girls who had just arrived.

"What's going on?" Mira demanded, "Voldy, I thought you'd stopped going squirrel earlier?"

"SHE'S TRYING TO STEAL MY MERLIN!" Voldy shrieked before she started cheeping angrily.

"Anyone know what she's saying?" Maple asked.

"Something about the time has come," Mysty replied, "oh, wait, there's a bit about Much, squirrels, roasting –"

"DON'T YOU DARE ROAST MY MUCH!" Deannie shrieked from behind Merlin.

…**Meanwhile in Sherwood**…

Much stumbled upon a clearing and in the middle of it was a small, fluffy copper creature with a downy tail and big, shiny brown eyes. Its nose was twitching as it inspected a small acorn between its tiny little paws. To any other person this would have been cute, but to Much this animal was lunch. He took care not to startle the animal, readying his bow and animal when the animal turned and looked directly at him, a curious expression on its face. Much stopped for a split second when –

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" (translation: ATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!")

…**back in Camelot**…

Voldy cheeped.

"She says 'why would I roast him? Squirrels are nuttivores anyway.'" Mysty translated.

"What?" Deannie got the wrong meaning, "DON'T YOU DARE CASTRATE MY MUCH!!!!!"

Voldy blinked.

"What?" she asked, squirrel-goddess vanishing, "Why would I castrate Much when I can do it to Prince John?"

Deannie shrugged, "because I'm stealing Merlin?"

"Are you?" Voldy asked, clicking her fingers. There was a flash of light and Merlin appeared at her side, "I love those poofing device upgrades," she giggled, "Now with no smoke!"

The other RRA girls just ignored this comment, having experienced the poofing smoke rant several times before Voldy had got the upgrade.

Deannie scowled. "I want Merlin."

"Well you can't have him," Voldy replied sweetly, "I married him first."

"Polygamy is legal"

"Not for the guys it isn't!" Voldy grinned, "Would you like to take this to the battlefield?"

Deannie looked at Voldy suspiciously, "No Squirrel Goddessing?"

"None. Promise."

"Alright then,"

Voldy cackled as the entire RRA went out to the training field to watch the battle.

"Right then," L.C decided to act as an umpire for their fight, "I want a nice clean fight, from both of you. That means no eye gouging or knee dislocating. 3…2…1…Fight!"

Deannie suddenly went down on all fours and hacked up several fur balls while growing a long black tail and black furry ears. Several cats swarmed behind her.

"You cheater!" Voldy shrieked.

"But you can't do anything because you promised you wouldn't go squirrel goddess on me," Deannie smirked evilly, preparing to pounce.

Voldy sighed and pulled out a ball of string, "I don't want to use this" she threw it at Deannie, "But I have no choice,"

Deannie backed away with the expression of one trying to resist temptation, "No!" she batted it away with her foot, "You cannot beat me with such low-down tricks!"

Voldy grinned as she started changing; she grew duck wings, her feet became webbed and, to top it off, she grew a duck-tail.

"What?" Deannie shrieked, "That's so not fair!"

Voldy grinned, "You never said anything about ducks."

"I thought cats eat duck?" Maple asked.

"Gee thanks Maple!" Voldy replied sarcastically, "I was hoping to save my secret weapon for later."

"Secret weapon?"

A huge rubber duck with an angry face suddenly appeared behind Voldy, scaring all of Deannie's cats away.

"Oh god rubberduckzilla" Mysty groaned, "She's seen too many Oasis adverts"

"Cheat!" Deannie yelled, "That's not even a proper duck!"

"It's duck-shaped!" Voldy replied, "And it has duck in the name therefore it is a duck and I can control it! I win." She beamed, "Merlin is mine by right of marriage and conquest!"

"Fine!" Deannie sulked before suddenly brightening, "there's a tournament later!"

"And?" Voldy asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Senseless violence authorised by the king?" Mysty realised, "sounds fun! Let's ruin it for them!"

"We still haven't cleared out the potion spillage from those rugs we nicked in Nottingham," Voldy commented.

"What happened to them actually Voldy?" L.C asked, "You locked them in a room for something?"

"That's because they fly around and crash into things," Voldy explained.

"Flying carpets?" If it was a cartoon, a light bulb would've appeared by Mysty's head.

"Yeah, why?"

Mysty grinned.

"I have a plan…"

… **Ten minutes later**…

"Welcome to this grand tournament!" Uther boomed over the voices of the crowd. Voldy had given him a little device which, she had assured him, had nothing to do with magic whatsoever. Apparently this brightly-coloured and incredibly useful device was called a megaphone and was often used in tournaments for announcements. Voldy herself had gone to help the knights with getting ready.

Suddenly an army of flying rectangles and circles came charging down from the heavens. Merlin, who was helping Arthur, rolled his eyes as he saw the RRA, giggling like maniacs, hanging onto the carpets they were using as steeds for dear life.

"What is the meaning of this?" Uther demanded angrily, drawing his sword when Voldy pinched his crown and put it on Maple's head, still shrieking with laughter.

"Carpet jousting!" Mysty told him as if it was obvious while picking up one of the lances. Mira picked up another lance while the citizens of Camelot just stared incredulously. Voldy, Maple and L.C drew up on one side while the other RRA girls circled above.

"The rules are as follows!" Voldy yelled over the noise of the babbling crowd. They fell silent. "Number one; no lances!" the Lances were replaced with big fluffy pillows, "Number two; any outside help of any kind, including using your goddess powers to aid your favourite is forbidden!" the RRA girls groaned as Voldy pointedly looked at Deannie, "Number three; the game goes on until one of you either falls off or loses control of the carpet." She turned to L.C, who grinned and held up a large bottle of eye-burningly bright yellow liquid.

"Three, two one!" the bottle was hurled high up into the air and Maple shot it with the bow she was carrying, "BEGIN!"

Mysty and Mira, grinning like maniacs, proceeded to batter each other with the pillows before they stopped, grinned and launched at Arthur who, knowing better than most the capabilities of RRA pillows, ran like hell with Merlin and Lancelot. The other RRA girls grinned, knowing full well that this, coupled with the amount of things they had pinched from assorted nobles, was without question the biggest law-breaking act they had performed in Camelot so far. They, too, pulled out pillows and proceeded to batter the audience with them. In the panic, Nimueh, who had been watching in the hope of destroying Arthur and Merlin together, was tragically trampled to death, which was what the RRA had wanted in the first place.

"Mapley…"

"Yes Voldy?"

"I have a sudden urge to do something incredibly stupid that will most likely end up with everyone getting a hangover at the feast tonight."

Maple grinned; "Tell me everything…"

…

**That's it for now! Join us next time for Chapter 7: graffiti, Sky Gods and tipsy wizards! Special mention to Maple who managed to get me to finish it! (Hugs) thank you! Also, I have updated because MERLIN SERIES 2 BEGINS TOMORROW!!!! (happy dance) Huzzah! Reviewers will not only get cookies, but also a special surprise in the form of a HAPPY-SPELL FROM THE WARLOCK HIMSELF!!!!! Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Graffiti, Sky Gods and Tipsy Wizards

**Disclaimer: Merlin is mine! Ask any member of the RRA they'll tell you!**

**Well! Merlin was SHEER AWESOMENESS!!!!! (Grins) Thank you for reviewing everyone! Here are your replies:**

**Mapleleaf07: of course it is, Maple, ALL HAIL QUEEN MAPLE!! (Laughs)**

**DeanParker: glad you liked it Deannie! (Grins) I yeah I did forget! This could be interesting in the final battle…**

**Breyerfan123: glad you liked it!**

**MagicByMerlin: 1. why thank you! (Bows) 2. I'll consider it… I've considered it it's a brilliant idea! 3. I just got attacked by a plot squirrel and I couldn't resist it! Glad you liked the idea! 4. No I don't and Deannie would kill me if I roasted her husband :P**

**BloodredCrimsonhands: thank you! (Bows)**

**Narnel: glad you found it at last! I'm sure everyone will be delighted to hear the joy we add to your life! (Grins) poor Nimueh… not! :P**

**Mystical-Magickal-Witch: HOORAY for series 2! And thank you for the permission after I'd already done it! (Grins)**

…

Voldy cackled and lead Maple away from the others, knowing full well that they would kill her if they discovered what she had planned. After a hurried conversation, interrupted by long bouts of giggles, they rushed off to complete their master plan.

"What're they up to?" Merlin asked as he cautiously approached his honorary sisters-in-law.

"No idea," L.C shrugged, pulling out a large pack of sharpies, "But we're doing some redecorating while they're gone, aren't we, girls?"

The other girls grinned and pulled out their own sharpie packets, running off in the direction of the throne room, giggling like lunatics.

…

Twenty minutes later, Uther walked into the throne room to see a large, badly-drawn pineapple behind his throne, which had been replaced with a large, squishy beanbag, large, garishly-coloured arrows approached the beanbag and, the King noticed in horror, several of the RRA girls were fighting over the beanbag.

"I want it!" Josie wined, trying to pull it out of Paula's grip.

"But it was my idea!" Paula replied, tugging it the other way.

"Y'know," Voldy interjected from behind Uther, "You two had better be careful before it –"

The beanbag was torn apart and its contents were spilled all over the floor.

"Tears," Voldy finished, sighing and pulling out a Hoover, "Don't worry, Uther, we'll fix this," she proceeded to push him out the door as the girls hoovered up the little polystyrene beads that littered the floor. Voldy examined the garish designs on the walls with a critical eye.

"Okay, the bottles of fizzy hyper goodness are fine; I like the shading," she began, "and the giant randoms all over the place are cool but what is up with that pineapple?" she pulled out several pens and edited the pineapple so it looked real. She stood back to examine her handiwork. "Something's missing," she decided, "What do you think, Maple?"

Maple grinned, "I think it needs a moustache," she replied in her art-critic voice.

Voldy cackled and scrambled up to draw a pair of eyes and a false moustache on the pineapple. She clicked her tongue and added a pipe and a bowler hat to finish the look.

"Tada!" she sang exuberantly, trying not to fall off the flying carpet she was borrowing, "I think it suits!"

The RRA laughed and trouped off outside together after ensuring that the large exclamation of "ALL HAIL ROBIN'S REVENGE ARMY!" on the wall would be the last thing Uther saw when he left the room.

…

The RRA had commandeered the knight's training grounds and were using it for sunbathing when it happened.

The heavens opened and, instead of it raining (as was customary when the heavens opened) a large, grey-haired and bearded face appeared between the clouds.

"Hey Pete!" Mysty grinned when the sky god visibly winced at the use of a mortal name.

"What's up?" L.C asked, sipping her lemonade without a care in the world.

"Dionysus wants a word with you." Zeus replied. Voldy choked on her can of Cola and ended up having several thumps on the back from Maple.

"Why?" Mira asked while everyone else glared at Voldy and Maple who, in turn, looked innocently back.

"Something about stealing some alcohol of his."

"He only just noticed?" Mysty asked, "That happened several years ago when our alcohol supplies were running down." Nobody noticed Voldy and Maple visibly relaxing when Mysty mentioned the last episode of alcohol stealing.

"I'll tell him that," Zeus vanished through the clouds.

"And tell him to enjoy his hangover!" Voldy bellowed after him, grinning from ear to ear.

The whole RRA was processing the parting-of-clouds incident when Mysty suddenly turned on her sister and Maple.

"What was all that about?" she demanded; Voldy and Maple looked hurt and offended.

"What'd we do?" they demanded together.

"Missing alcohol?" L.C elaborated, "Coinciding with one of your master plans? What's going on?"

Maple grinned mischievously.

"It's a surprise," Voldy replied mysteriously, "Just… don't drink the alcohol."

With that, the two girls wandered off together, talking in hushed voices and giggling while the others just stared.

"I think we should take their advice" Mira said slowly, "Remember what happened last time?"

"You mean the time when TVNut tried to get Tuck drunk or the time after that when there was a party at the Sheriff's castle and _somebody_ failed to mention the booze had been tampered with?" Mysty asked, looking pointedly at Paula and Josie who had been involved in the latest alcoholic escapade. The two RRA girls in question just smiled innocently back as they remembered the incident.

"Both," Cee responded, "Let's just stick to water when we're there shall we?"

"Water?" everyone pulled faces.

"What else are we supposed to drink?" Deannie demanded, "Blood?"

"You could survive on Blood, Deannie," Mysty reminded her.

"Just because I'm the vampire goddess doesn't mean I like the stuff," Deannie replied waspishly.

"Well, we do have a certain way out, don't we, Mysty?" L.C asked, "after all; historical awesomeness includes alcoholic beverages doesn't it?"

"Indeed it does!" Mysty replied, grinning, "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you were too busy wondering how much alcohol you'll need to produce?" Cee asked, reading Mysty's mind.

"Yeah, probably," Mysty grinned; everyone laughed and they trouped off to get ready for the hilarity that was to come that evening.

…

Voldy and Maple, in their infinite wisdom, had decided to bring a camera with them to the party for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of the RRA, but that didn't matter; they were having too much fun laughing at the drunk knights, king and servants (such as Merlin).

Arthur and Lancelot had challenged everyone at the party to a drinking competition. This idea, coupled with Maple and Voldy's plan (which had revealed itself in the form of doctored alcohol) resulted in the biggest collection of drunks the world had ever seen.

"Merlin!" Voldy yelled to the young warlock. He stumbled over to them in a drunken daze.

"Could you magic the knights and Uther to do this?" Maple asked sweetly, showing Merlin a clip from a comedy film. After a few moments thought Merlin said the spell. The result was better than Maple and Voldy could ever have hoped for.

"_We're Knights of the Round Table,  
We dance when ere we're able,  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With footwork impeccable.  
We dine well here in Camelot,  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot._"

The RRA watched in fits of uncontrollable laughter as the Knights, crowned prince and king of Camelot jumped up on one of the tables with surprising ease and started to do the can-can. Without them even Daring him to, Voldy and Maple watched in shock as Merlin jumped up and joined them._  
_"_We're Knights of the Round Table,  
Our shows are formidable,  
But many times, we're given rhymes  
That are quite unsingable.  
We're Opera mad in Camelot,  
We sing from the diaphragm  
a lot._"

All the sober people in the hall (in other words, the RRA) fell about laughing as the knights proceeded to tap dance on the table, shortly followed by a rendition of percussion noises played on their helmets._  
_"_In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatigable,  
Between our quests we sequin vests,  
And impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot –_"

Uther stepped forward, somehow managing not to fall flat on his face off the table, and sang in a rather deep voice:

"_I have to push the pram a lot._"

The knights resumed tap-dancing until sir Galahad, blind drunk, tumbled off the table and pulled everyone else down with him.

"And… CUT!" Voldy shouted, turning off the camera with a huge grin on her face.

All was silent for a few moments. Somewhere in the distance, a cricket chirped.

Unable to contain themselves any longer, the RRA girls burst into fits of hysterical laughter, leaning against walls or rolling around on the floor as they did so.

"That is _so_ going on youtube!" Maple exclaimed between gasps as the girls finally started to calm down. This set them off again, however, and they stumbled away from the hall of drunken knights, giggling insanely before they stumbled into the TARDIS.

Voldy, still giggling opened up her laptop and stared, a grin forming on her face.

"Hey guys!" she called loudly; the RRA swarmed round her.

"What is it Voldy?" Mira asked.

Voldy grinned and showed them the last Merlin Fan fiction she had read.

"I know what we can do tomorrow," she replied.

…

**Well that's it! (Bows) this chapter is dedicated to my dog, coincidentally called Merlin, who died today (23****rd**** September).**

**Also, a word of warning: the next chapter, entitled; "is this a slashfic I see before me?" may not be up for some time because I'm waiting for Annie, who has very kindly agreed to write me a slashfic at the risk of her own mental health. Thank you Annie!**

**REVIEW!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – is this a slashfic I see before me?

**Disclaimer: yes, Merlin is mine. No there's nothing you can do about it. No, I'm not sharing him. MUAHAHA!!!!!!!! All hail Merlin! (Giggles) yes, he has a hangover, and yes, this chapter will be incredibly scarring because Annie wrote the Slashfic. Go ahead, enjoy yourselves! WARNING: this chapter contains extreme slash… sorry to those who hate it but I had to write how they'd react to **_**this**_** little eventuality! :P**

**Replies to my lovely reviewers:**

**Mapleleaf07: Thank you Maple! (Bows) it was too good an opportunity to miss!**

**ammNIwriter: (giggles) yes of course you are Annie! You've been in the story for a while!**

**Lynnette McGregor: thank you Josie! (Bows)**

**Lady Clark-Weasley of Books: My name is Voldy, L.C, of course I'm evil! (Bows and grins) and the gods are scared of us… muahaha… so we can talk back to them all we want! (Giggles) I'll bet he is… even if he took part in it!**

**Skyuni: thank you! (Bows) I'll talk to L.C about it… but Maple's writing a doctor who fic which has a bit of Harkness in it…**

**Paula545: but… but it's CREEPY! *burns Boeist bible* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!**

…

The RRA stared in shock at the laptop screen.

"No." Annie replied flatly.

"No way." L.C added, "The day Arthur turns gay is a very cold day in hell, Voldy."

"But that's _brilliant_!" Maple giggled, being awarded with cold and disbelieving looks from the majority of the RRA, "Well it is! Imagine the look on Uther's face when he reads this fic!"

She had persuaded the others, who nodded and murmured thoughtfully whilst adding their evil laughs to Voldy and Maple's ones.

Voldy copied the fan fiction into a word document and printed it off several times while the rest of the RRA got changed into their cat burglar suits (complete with ears and tails… thanks to Deannie!). When they came back, they were each given a copy to distribute as they wished. They split up moments later, arranging to meet back at the TARDIS in one hour.

…**Deannie**…

Using her cat-goddess stealth skills, Deannie crept into Morgana's room, silently creeping past her sleeping form and placing the enveloped copy of the story on the table. She scribbled on the front "To Morgana" and crept away, giggling insanely.

…**Annie**…

Annie was careful not to make a single sound as she slipped into the room of the court historian, Jeffery of Monmouth. She had already written "To Jeffers" on the front and placed the enveloped copy of the evil tail on his bed. As silently as she had crept in, she exited his room, deliberately slamming the door behind her.

Jeffery of Monmouth didn't even stir in response.

…**Mysty/Maple/Paula**…

Mysty, Maple and Paula crept into Merlin and Gaius's house, which they were sharing with Lancelot, and put their copies on the table, each addressed to a different recipient, and crept away, laughing silently.

None of them noticed that Gaius was awake, nor that he had seen them all depositing the letters.

…**Josie, Mira, Cee, TVNut, Socksy, Foxy, Soapy and L.C**…

The girls crept into the Musician's quarters, cackling evilly, and deposited their letters, each one addressed to a different musician. They left together, after graffittiing the instruments with "All hail the RRA" in large letters.

…**Lollzie, Zara and Vicky**…

Why it took all three of the girls nobody would ever know. They sneakily crept into the sleeping quarters of Uther and left him a copy of the story before sneaking off, cackling, and breaking into Gwen's house to give her the same letter.

"I can't wait to see everyone's faces!" Zara giggled insanely as they slipped away; the other girls agreed and they all trouped off to the TARDIS.

… **Lizhi and Nickel**…

Lizhi and Nickel arrived shortly after the rest of the RRA had departed on their missions. Taking one copy of the story between them, they broke into Arthur's room and, after decorating it in garish and girly colours and assorted book and play quotes, left him a letter saying "To Nancy-boy… tee hee".

They left the room giggling insanely like the lunatics every one in the RRA were.

…**Voldy**…

Voldy smiled to herself as she watched her mostly non-biological family leave. She had something she wanted to do that had to be set up that night to work the next morning. Silently, she locked the TARDIS and crept away, scanning the area for any signs of watching eyes.

…**Next morning**…

The RRA, having been up late delivering suggestive papers and celebrating the arrival of two of their members, groaned when they were woken by several shrieks.

"Ow my _head_" Annie groaned, "What was I _drinking_?"

Voldy grinned and pulled out a list; "3 Smirnoff's, 7 Malibu and coke's and a couple of vodka shots." She looked closer at the list, "Oh, and you had a cider-drinking competition with Mira, Deannie, Cee and Mysty, which was about 9 of those." She cackled, "that's not as bad as a certain goddess of cats that I know," she nodded towards Deannie, "Who seemed to believe that because she is also the goddess of Vampires she wouldn't get drunk, miss 'whole bottle of vodka in 10 seconds'" she giggled as Deannie, also clutching her head, groaned.

"Where did you go, Voldy?" Josie accused, being one of the few who had decided not to get completely floored, "You turned up ten minutes late for the meeting thing."

Voldy flushed, "Yeah, sorry about that," she replied, "I was getting a little surprise ready for a certain blonde pig."

Mere seconds later they heard a high pitched shriek, a moment's pause and then a girly scream. There was silence. Voldy cackled evilly, grinning from ear to ear.

"Voldy, what did you do to my husband?" Mysty asked angrily.

"Who said it was your husband?" Voldy replied breezily, "T'was your papa-kins-in-law"

The RRA raised their eyebrows before they hurled pillows at Voldy, who fell out of her hammock and landed in a heap on the floor.

"What the hell did you do to Uther?"

"It involves a makeover, a photo-shopped picture pinned to his mirror and the cold-water alarm system." Voldy replied, spitting out feathers from the pillows.

The girls rolled their eyes and went to see what had woken them.

…

Gaius was surprised to find a letter addressed to him on the table, as were Merlin and Lancelot, but nevertheless they read them, their curiosity out-weighing their suspicions concerning the source.

Gaius, after gagging on his tea, looked at the other two with raised eyebrows. They were too bust staring incredulously at the paper to notice.

"Is there something you boy's aren't telling me?"

…

Arthur opened the paper groggily; after reading the first sentence he realised that something was very, very badly wrong. He said the only thing he could think of at that time.

"MERLIN!"

…

Uther didn't look at his paper, he just threw it on the fire; anything that was signed with a large exclamation mark saying "IMPORTANT! Please read" was clearly not worth his valuable time. He had already been rudely woken by a bucket of just-melted ice water. Wiping his face with a towel, he approached his mirror and saw the picture fixed to it. He shrieked, and then he saw his reflection. He fainted.

…

The court musicians never got to read their papers; they were stolen by a cloaked figure in the middle of the night, replaced with some music. They would never hear of the evil story.

…

Gwen and Morgana read the story together. They instantly knew where it had came from, but the picture which had been added recently seemed to be blatant proof of the story's claims. Needless to say the pair became very worried.

…

Jeffery of Monmouth was curious to see a letter addressed to him on the table. He opened it, read it and immediately decided that he would have to discuss the matter with the King.

…

Merlin, not caring that Gaius was talking to him, suddenly got up and stormed towards the door.

"Where're you going?" Lancelot and Gaius asked together.

"To have a word with my wife." Merlin replied, slamming the door shut behind him.

The other two stared at the door in shock. There was a long silence before Gaius spoke.

"What wife?"

…

"Voldy!" Merlin yelled when he reached the courtyard, "Voldy!"

Voldy crept up behind him, made invisible by an until-recently-untested potion.

"You called?" she asked. He jumped and whirled round to see a camera clicking at him.

Voldy suddenly appeared holding the camera and laughing.

"You should've seen your face," she giggled, "priceless. Utterly priceless."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "What's this?" he demanded, presenting the paper to her angrily.

She blinked, "It's a slashfic."

"A what?"

Voldy rolled her eyes, "a slashfic, Merlin. They're fics which have a lot of same-gender romance."

"Bit what's with the whole, '_Merlin, what happened last night was wrong. It was a satanic deed. And what you want to conspire with me for tonight is diabolical. I won't be a part of this anymore," he had said as he strode off to dance with a beautiful young brunette_' thing?"

Voldy shrugged, "suggested sodomy."

"WHAT?"

"Merlin!" Arthur came storming over, also brandishing a paper, "what is the meaning of this?" "Slashfic." Merlin and Voldy replied together, Voldy grinning from ear to ear, and Merlin being extremely embarrassed by the whole thing.

"What on earth is '_Arthur's breath catches and he pulls Merlin on to his feet. For one brief moment Merlin thinks Arthur will call for the guards and have him arrested. The one time he shows his true nature and he'll be killed for it. But these thoughts don't last long as Arthur's lips are back on Merlin's in a fervent nature_' about?"

Merlin paled, having forgotten the RRA's tendencies to over-do things, "Honey," he asked Voldy cautiously, "who exactly received copies of this disgusting manuscript?"

Voldy told him the list, making sure to mention that Gwen, Lancelot, Gaius, Morgana and Uther had received it.

The two men ran off in different directions in an attempt to destroy all copies of the story.

…

"Please can I have it?"

"Arthur, this picture, you really do need to see it," Morgana insisted, showing the crown prince the picture which had come with her copy of the story.

It was a picture of Arthur and Merlin in a very compromising situation.

Arthur, after burning the papers and picture and swearing the girls to secrecy, insisting that he had not done anything of that sort with Merlin, he fainted.

…

Merlin used his magic to wipe the memory of anything concerning the evil manuscript (and the picture, one of which he took with him to interrogate Voldy with) before destroying several copies of it. Sighing in frustration, he stormed off to find his wife.

…

"You should've seen their faces," Voldy was giggling with the other girls, "priceless. Seriously."

Merlin stormed into the TARDIS, brandishing the picture in his hand.

"What's this?" he demanded, thrusting it into her face. The other RRA girls looked at it, clueless, before glaring at Voldy.

"I only realised after you guys had gone," she explained in a small voice before turning to Merlin, "It's a photo edited in Photoshop. Why?"

"Where did you get that picture?" L.C asked, staring, "It's weird."

"Hang on," Paula began, "It wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the words 'Jack' and 'Harkness' would it?"

"No," Voldy replied, confused, "why'd you ask?"

"There's a lot of Pot plants in the picture."

Voldy looked at the picture again and blinked, "So there is," she exclaimed, growling, "When I find your husband, Paula I'll kill him."

"Be my guest," Paula replied, "I might join you."

"Do you realise how much trouble that could've put me in?" Merlin demanded, "The story was bad enough!"

"It was just a bit of fun," Voldy replied airily, "I presume you wiped all memory of any of it?"

"Of course."

"Spoil sport" Maple muttered to the murmurs of agreement from the other RRA members.

"The musicians didn't seem to have any copies of it." Merlin commented, causing everyone to go silent.

"What?" they asked in unison.

"The musicians didn't have a copy," Merlin repeated, "although, one of them said he did see a cloaked figure –"

"Height?"

Merlin relayed everything the musician had told him about the cloaked figure.

"Dammit." L.C muttered, "This is the last time!"

"Last time for what?" Voldy asked, "Who is this guy?"

L.C explained that the last time the cloaked figure had appeared, the RRA had nearly ended up destroying the earth trying to get rid of him.

"So he's bad, yes?" Maple asked.

"Sounds like it," Voldy replied. There was a moment of silence.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Maple grinned, running off and returning with some rather nasty weapons, "let's kill him!"

The TARDIS alarm sounded, causing Voldy to make a little fangirly squeak.

"It's Will!" She squealed, running out with everyone on her tail. They found her hugging a man Merlin recognised as Will, his old childhood friend.

"Will!" he grinned; the slightly confused Will looked up.

"Hello Merlin!" he grinned back, before indicating Voldy, "Who's she?"

"Her name is Voldy," L.C replied before she and several other girls grabbed him and dragged him off into the TARDIS.

…

Twenty minutes, several arguments and a few pillow fights later, Will and Voldy were married and the RRA girls were off hunting in the forest.

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank god they're gone."

"For now," Will and Merlin corrected.

"What I mean is I can actually get some undisturbed sleep at last," With that Arthur went back into his room and conked out on his bed. Merlin and Will also went to sleep.

None of them noticed the cloaked figure slipping into the castle…

…

**That's it for now! *Dodges pickaxes* I know it sucked. Review? The next chapter is the last one! Join us next time for "Chapter 9: The Final Battle and the Leave-taking!" thank you all for reviewing so far! Love you all! I will try to get this one up in time for the weekend, as it is my birthday this Thursday so I want to get a special update thing for it! And yes, when they leave they'll end up somewhere else! If you want to follow the story after the final chapter then review and ask! *giggles* I had fun writing this chapter, I really did. Special thanks to Annie for writing the slashfic at risk to her sanity! *hugs***

**Hit the green button. It's down there. You know you want to!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: the Final battle and the Leave-taking

**Disclaimer: I OWN MERLIN AND WILL!!! And there is nothing you can do about it! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!**

**Thank you SO MUCH for your reviews!**

**ammNIwriter: No, I would never ask you to write another slashfic. If I need another one I think it might be safer for everyone if we just ask Jack Harkness to do it… actually, no. That would be much worse :P**

**Mapleleaf07: That's **_**this**_** chapter, honey, as I told you when you requested it! Glad you liked it!**

**Lady Clark-Weasley of Books: I'm updating! I'm updating! *giggles* glad you liked it!**

**DeanParker: *presents copy of hers and Merlin's marriage certificate* *clicks fingers* *Merlin appears at her side* HA! MINE!**

**MagicByMerlin: We've sorted out the problem concerning the previous chapter and I think we've agreed no more slash!**

**Lynette McGregor: Glad you like it! *cowers* I mean this chapter is the last one for this fic! But don't worry we go out with a bang! And there's always the sequel (which is, admittedly, somewhere else but oh well! XD)**

**RHHP Freak: Why thank you! *bows* I'm glad you managed to keep you head on while laughing your head off! What's the secret?**

…

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No!"

Annie sulked as she stared at the villain's encampment.

"No sign of cloak boy," Voldy commented, looking through some night-vision binoculars, "just Mordred and his ugly henchmen."

"Let's see," Annie whispered, causing a struggle for the binoculars before Voldy managed to wrench them back.

"What's going on where everyone else is?" Maple asked, snapping pictures of the enemy.

Annie relayed the question through the communicator and got the same response; nothing, just henchmen, no sign of the cloaked guy.

"If it is who I think it is I'll kill him," Voldy added breezily, "Ooh!"

"What?"

"What's the name of the witch hunter we ran into the other day?"

"Akron, why?"

"Guess who just walked into Mordred's tent wearing skimpy women's clothing?"

All three girls shuddered before Annie passed the information on to the other girls, who all, by the sounds of it, were now scarred for life.

"Who do you think it is, Voldy?" Maple asked; Voldy was silent.

"Luke again?" Annie asked.

"Nope,"

"Voldemort?"

"Nope,"

"Who?"

"Nefarian Serpine. That's who."

"What? Why?"

"Never mind, it's probably wrong." Voldy replied, looking through the binoculars, "I think we may need to risk the extendable ears on this one."

"We didn't bring any," Maple replied, "The others got them."

"Fine," Voldy sighed before chittering in squirrel language. A red squirrel appeared and, after listening to his goddess, ran off towards the master tent in the camp.

"Where's he going?" Annie asked.

"He's eavesdropping for me," Voldy replied, "He's focusing extra hard and sending what he hears to me, word for word," she was scribbling on paper making drawings about battle plans of the enemy and other things. Suddenly, her pencil snapped.

"Out." She hissed, "Now." within seconds the squirrel was back, cheeping and chittering in scarred fury.

"I know," Voldy replied, patting the squirrel on the head affectionately and giving him a large amount of acorns. He scampered off.

Annie and Maple, on the other hand, looked at the glassy-eyed, rather scared-looking Voldy in interest.

"Well?" Maple asked.

"That," Voldy muttered, shuddering violently, "was the most disgusting thing I've seen since Jack had that pot plant."

Annie and Maple decided not to press Voldy for details.

…

Surveillance tasks over, the RRA girls returned to Camelot, after hearing what everyone had discovered, and (unfortunately) seeing what Voldy's squirrel spy had seen through a telepathic link, they agreed they would never be able to look at guacamole in the same way ever again.

Houmous, however, was a different story entirely.

The RRA were enjoying a Nandos-style meal from the special fridge in the TARDIS (which included the special Houmous dip with Peri-Peri drizzle) when L.C, out the corner of her eye, saw a cloaked figure attempting to break into the TARDIS.

She pointed this out to Deannie, who promptly cornered him with her cat minions and dragged him towards the others for interrogation. He broke free using martial arts skills and tried to run for it, but was knocked out by several well-thrown shot put balls by the RRA girls.

"I hate shot put," Mysty grumbled as they dragged the cloaked man away.

…

"Jack-fricken'-Harkness!" Voldy growled, why did he have to LOSE his vortex manipulator?

The RRA were staring in shock at the cell in which they had placed the cloaked guy to find that he had vanished before they could torture him. The man who had been guarding him described the use of a Vortex Manipulator exactly, so all they had to do was try to hunt him down.

Which, considering that he could teleport and could be anywhere, was going to be very easy… not.

They were interrupted by a guard running down and informing them that the castle was under attack. They followed him to the battlements.

…

"Where the _hell_ did Mordred get Nazgul?"

The RRA were staring at Mordred's army in horror; it stretched out as far as the eye could see and was filled with all sorts of creatures from other worlds, Nazgul, Orcs and Telmarines for example.

"OI!" Mysty yelled suddenly, pointing at the small portable gallows; several men were bound behind it. The RRA recognised them instantly.

"NOBODY TRIES TO KILL M HUSBANDS AND LIVES!!!!" they shrieked collectively, suddenly producing weapons and mowing down several platoons of guards before rescuing their respective husbands and bringing them back to Camelot.

"Oh my god I can't _believe_ they stole my Cedric!" Mysty exclaimed, producing a pair of nasty-looking lances.

Voldy just shrugged, "They're morons. They decided to take Cedric instead of Nick."

"And what was the meaning behind that statement?"

Voldy grinned and jingled some car keys, "If they'd taken Nick they could've got to the RRA car garage."

Maple grinned and snatched the keys out of Voldy's hands. After a ten-minute fight over the car keys, Maple managed to push the big red button.

A talking, self-driving black armoured car skidded to a halt before them.

"You called, Miss Maple?" KITT asked, flashing his headlamps at the RRA in a kind of salute.

"Could you use your rocket launcher on them?" Maple asked sweetly, pointing at the army below them.

"I regret that I will require rockets, Miss Maple," the car replied.

"No problem!" Voldy produced crates of explosive potions, "Just use the catapult and hurl those over," the RRA produced machine guns, "We'll take care of the rest."

"As you wish, Miss Voldy,"

…

Within an hour, the first seventy ranks of the enemy army had been obliterated, only to be replaced by more soldiers with siege towers.

The RRA were more than angry by this point. Each one of them seemed to glow with a different coloured light. One of the Orcs was foolish enough to shoot an arrow at Deannie, who suddenly glowed incredibly brightly and produced fangs. The other RRA girls also took on their goddess forms (L.C, for example, had a large "No DUH!" on the front of her Greek-style dress).

The people of Camelot were terrified of the sudden group of Goddesses who stood in terrible glory on their walls. Voldy, rather than taking her squirrel form, grew wolf ears and a large silver-blue wolf tail. She threw her head back and howled loudly, the sound reverberating throughout Albion as men and wolves appeared behind her, all clad in battle armour.

"When did you get werewolves?" Deannie asked after summoning her vampire subjects.

"Duck got swapped with it last night," Voldy exclaimed, "Many thank-yous to that potion I made."

"I thought that was non-ingestible?" Maple asked conversationally, she, rather than reverting to her wolf-goddess form, had chosen to be the incredibly sparkly star-goddess who had blown up half of the Dalek crucible single-handed.

"How do you think I find that out?" Voldy replied.

"I thought you force-fed them to Kamal Hadley," Mysty replied, "What happened to him?"

Voldy shrugged, "Died when I fed him that other potion I made. Haven't got round to resurrecting him yet."

The entire RRA raised eyebrows at Voldy before they unleashed their forces upon Mordred's army. Still the enemy fought back ferociously. Voldy, rather than discussing it with the other girls, pushed another button on her keys.

Before the eyes of everyone battling, a vortex opened and several crazed nutcases from several different fandoms poured out and wiped out Mordred's army before being sucked back to the puritan world of no return. The RRA stared for a few seconds before they turned and glared at Voldy, who grinned sheepishly in reply.

Meanwhile, Mordred and the cloaked figure were riding away from the scene on horses.

"I shall return!" a German-sounding female voice shouted at the RRA, who all turned and looked at the escaping pair as they rode into the distance, "And wreak my rewingy!" she laughed evilly, not noticing Mysty and Voldy producing potion-fuelled hollow-knives.

"No, you won't!" they yelled in response, "You will die and be buried!" they threw the knives, both of which hit their targets and caused a huge mushroom cloud to erupt, killing the pair instantly.

"So who was the cloaked guy?" L.C asked.

"She," Maple grinned, "Was Suzie from Torchwood. Voldy and I locked her up in Germany a while ago, Jack lost his manipulator there and she ended up here."

"How'd you work that out?" Mira asked curiously; Maple and Voldy grinned.

"Only Suzie would talk like Ludwig the indestructible when trying to escape," Voldy replied.

"We forced her to watch that episode of Blackadder for a year repeatedly," Maple added, giggling wickedly as the entire RRA reverted to their human forms. The husbands and subjects were returned to their worlds.

…

There was a large party that evening, involving a lot of Gandalf's fireworks (stolen by Mysty, who claimed to be Meriadock Brandibuck from Lord of the rings because she was hyper). Alcohol was served in large quantities as everyone crowded round the RRA TARDIS to watch their farewell.

"We'll probably be back here sooner or later," L.C told them (much to Uther's chagrin)

"Probably sooner with L.C's driving," Cee and Lolly muttered to the crowd, rewarding them with a glare from L.C.

"Mysty's driving actually," Maple commented, grinning, "And Gwen; don't touch Lancelot. He's mine."

Voldy grinned, "And Merlin is off limits to everyone except me!" she added, "As is Will. We'll be back!"

"And NOBODY TOUCH ARTHUR!" Mysty growled, "Especially not Annie!"

"Hey!" Annie exclaimed indignantly. The RRA all trouped into the TARDIS and saw a large Firework in the centre of the control room.

"Ooh!" Voldy exclaimed, picking it up and grabbing her matches, "Get it going!" she held the door open wide enough for the firework to escape and lit the fuse. The mechanical grinding noise signified the TARDIS leaving. The firework shot out just as the TARDIS vanished and exploded in the sky. Everyone stared. Merlin, Will, Arthur and Lancelot laughed as everyone stared in wonder at the sight before them.

Emblazoned on the sky for all to see, along with a picture of all the RRA together in Goddess form, goofing off and laughing at something, were the words;

"LONG LIVE THE RRA!"

…

**That's it done! HOORAY!!! *happy dances* *dodges pickaxes and weapons of torture* okay I know it sucked, but I wanted to finish it before I begin my work experience this week. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (and getting your reviews :P) thank you all for reviewing! The sequel will be in the land of Avatar: the last Air bender if you want to see what other hilarities the RRA get up to when they get ELEMENTAL-BENDING-POWERS!!! MUAHAHA! *Thunder***

**This story is dedicated to the RRA, to everyone who reviewed and to everything that gave me inspiration for it (including all those caffeinated drinks)! Thank you!**

**Also I would like to add that this is the first EVER fan fiction that I've completed! This calls for a celebration! *throws confetti***

***hypnotises reader* you will click the green button… you will give me a review!**


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